DAY 17. FEEL.
So this post is inspired by a lil story. Quarantine week 1. I got drunk every single day. Like, I didn't really mean to but I was also totally freaked out and didn't allow myself to acknowledge what was really happening - also because nobody really knew what the fuck was happening - and I just escaped. With wine. It was raining every day in LA, it was cozy and I was just totally fucking off. In that time I was also getting my period (heavy PMS) and had a raging fever (I got covid! I didn't get tested, but I know I had it. I had a fever for 10 days straight..) so I was just like, completely out of my fucking mind hahaha. WOW LAINA!!! Sheesh.
Anyway, I end up having a very deep talk with my Dad one of these days where he ends up calling me. We were talking about my childhood and he was telling me about a story where he took me to get these professional photos taken when I was 1 year old. I know the photo but I did not know the story behind it. Hearing how excited my Dad was to do that with me, how much he loved me, really hit me deeply because I never really knew, y'know? He left us. So I assumed he didn't care that much. Obviously I now realize how addiction can destroy even the deepest love, but those feelings of feeling not really wanted are still there because I need to work through about 20 years of them. No matter how much my brain understands them, my heart needs some time to catch up.
So then I cried and said I love you and he said y'know I think you still have another blowout left in you. There's still some more in there that needs to come out that we will need to discuss. I agreed and said y'know here's the thing I never expected, the anger I have for mom is starting to come up. I'm starting to realize it and it's really hard for me because she was there for me, you weren't. (I will get into a deeper father and mother healing discussion in a separate post) So let me cut to the chase. To the meat of this post. I said to my Dad, I understand why though. I understand what you guys were going through and that you were doing your best so I can't be angry.
Here's the AHA! moment. He said, Laina, just because you understand something, doesn't make the emotion go away. When you tell yourself you understand something and you've decided you are over it, you are stealing the emotion from yourself. And what happens when you steal emotions. Ignore them. Tell yourself you "understand"..? They EXPLODE. Emotions that are not attended to, turn into explosions. And it can take years until that happens and then they manifest into monsters that become harder and harder to deal with.
Here's the funny part - right after that call I texted a guy who broke my heart - like a fucking novel. I was drunk, PMSing, had a raging fever and was fresh off this emotional ass call with my Dad feeling EMPOWERED. I HAD TO OWN MY EMOTIONS!!! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART!!! I've always tried to be so tough and I don't ever want anyone to know they may have affected me in any way. I didn't want to give them that power. I realized that was another incredible way of stealing my emotions from myself.
FEELING SHIT IS BRAVE AS FUCK!!! It's so hard. We are so used to compartmentalizing, especially in this world we live in and the injustices we witness every single day. We learn to numb ourselves. But I feel we let our hearts start to shrink when we do that. We become afraid to experience joy and celebrate because we feel it could be taken away, mocked, destroyed. We lose excitement for things and we become smaller and smaller in our existence. We think we need to be tough and in doing that, we rob ourselves of the very existence we came down to this earth to experience.
I just remembered this thing I used to do when I first started my healing and needed to practice allowing myself to feel rage. It NEEDED to come out. Because under the rage is the pain. I would close all my blinds and take a pillow out on my bed and stand over it and punch it as hard as I could, sometimes I'd yell, and I'd just go and go until I started sobbing. Sometimes the tears came faster than others.
Honor your emotions. They are the language of your soul. They are the only things you can hear when your mind leads you astray. When you ignore them, they may even manifest physically. In rashes, acne, thinning hair, digestion problems etc etc etc. Ignoring your emotions creates dis-ease. It makes you sick. It kills you.
When feeling anxious, this is usually my sign that something deeper is brewing. I feel like my body is anxiously trying to hide these emotions from myself so that I don't have to go through the trouble of dealing with them. This is a protective mechanism. But now I so desperately want them out! I've gone this far, I have to keep going. I usually start to write, and I literally ask myself, out loud too! Laina what are you feeling? What are we feeling? Just go go go ask ask ask write write write until you cry. I don't know why I feel, at least for me, that crying is the height of expression in terms of emotions whether it be peak sadness or peak joy. It is the most grand release and I don't want you to rob yourself of that anymore.
I love you. I feel you. See you tomorrow.